Thursday, 1 January 2015

Wargaming on Acid....... or letting a 5 year old GM a game of 40K

"I warned you...... Wargaming on Acid.... Do you see the giant bunny to?"

New years day and I wake up with a splitting headache from the two bottles of wine the night before and my guts doing somersaults!

After the cracking game of Warmachine yesterday and seeing out the horror that was 2014 with two good bottle of wine I was in a great mood despite the pounding in my skull.

I sneak the kids downstairs to let the misses sleep in. A bit of breakie and we are soon bored with the tele, suddenly the litte fella pipes up with "Daddy I'm bored, can we play Orks!"

Too right we can! and I sneak upstairs to grab the first bits which come to hand.

I will state right now that the only part I played in this scenario was setting up the space ship crash and saying that the survivors have to make it to the mountain to broadcast the rescue signal.

The rest of the acid trip that follows is completely of my kids devising......... You have been warned!

A space ship carrying a patrol of IMEF marines suffers a malfunction and crash lands on the planet Wanstonia.......

4 of the crew survive the crash and must make it to the nearby "Cardboard mountains" to signal for help.....

"It looks like we have crash landed in Wanstonia the planet of over earnest middle class parentoids!"

(suddenly my two year old walks in to see what is going on. One look at the game in progress and she suddenly suffers "Little sister syndrome" and bolts out the door. 30 seconds later she reappears with several "Space Elf fairies" [bit like eldar but with prettier dresses], now things really take a turn for the wierdier!).

Two of the local aliens sorry "Princess fairies" appear and tell the IMEF marines that the high cardboard mountians are "that a way" but they must be careful of the "nasty orks"

 Mrs. Cottontail tells them to be careful with their guns and not to do anything naughty!

The IMEF marines feel strangly compelled to follow her instructions.

"Beware the strangly staring eyes of Mrs. Cottontail!"
 Suddenly Cindrella appears and warns the IMEF marines that the "Nasty Orks are on their way and must run as fast as they can!

"Run and don't look back............ RUN!!!!"

Suddenly from round the corner of the bed a roaring engine can be heard..... is it a rescue party?................... NO its a band of raiding orks from the 1980's!

 Suddenly all the Princess fairies disappear and the IMEF marines take up defensive positions among the wreakage.

"We can't stay here! We have to make it to the mountains! Fire and manoeuvre!"
The IMEF Marines desperately sprint for new cover before they are run over. Their shooting is miserable!

"GO GO GO !"
 The Ork battle wagon screetches to a halt.......

.......... and disembarks its load of Ork boyz before racing round the back to cut off the Marines escape route!

 and then to make matters worse for the Marines my son (the GM) decides that the scenery I threw down at randon is actually a "Killer worm alien" "like in Star Wars 2". My commander fails a cool test and is grabbed by the ankle by its tentacles and dragged kicking and screaming to his DOOM!

 "I hope I give yer the shits!"
 Suddenly Tinkerbell the space fairy returns with reinforcements and using the power of "holding hand magic" (this actually involves me holding hands with her and closing my eyes), she passes a cool test and freezes the Ork battle wagon........... PHEW!!!!

seriously whats with all the staring eyes! I'm getting a little creeped out!
 Smokie my flamer gets gunned down in a hail of gunfire as he attempts to run for new cover.....

And Space Cinderella reappears to "tell off the Orks" for being naughty!

"Killling people is rude... Stop it!"
 The surviving Marines make it to "Cardboard Mountain"..............

"There they are, pop em off"
 With the Battle wagon "Frozen", My daughter and I break into a rousing rendition of "let it go!" as I blast away at the wagon with my assault cannon!

 Which the GM then decides bursts into flames!...........

 The Orks do not take kindly to their telling off by Space Cinderella and reply by gunning her down in a hail of concentrated fire while laughing maniacally (and thats just my son!).

With the gunning down of Cinderella and failing to cast "roll over" on the Orks with "Holding hands magic" .......... munchkin decides shes had enough of this game and storms out to sulk............... will she return?

"Screw you guys I'm out of here!"
 The Orks decide they are not going to become worm food and gun down the alien worm.

Wish I had thought of that!

"Eat lead, space worm!"
 My IMEF Marines finally make it to the top of the mountain and boadcast their rescue signal!

Can they hold off the orks long enough to be rescued?

 Suddenly to the survivors relief some Space Wolves which were sitting on my painting shelf teleport down from a passing space ship......................... HOORAY............. WE ARE SAVED!!!!

"You want some! Come get some!"
 But the GM is not having this and rushes out of the room................ seconds later he returns and .................... ARRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHH .................................. Space Dinosaurs and been attracted to the area by all the noise of the shooting .........................

"Oh pants!!!!!!"
The combined shooting of the Marines fells the Spinosaurus but the Space Tricepatops is enraged and charges................... ! Knocking several of the models (who fail their cool test) off the mountain edge!

 Then the Space Tyrannosaurus crashes in and rips the head off one of the Marines!!!!!

CHOMP! "I HATE tinned food"
 The surviving Marines make a desperate last stand but.........................

"NO retreat, NO surrender!"
.................. are soon gobbled up by the Space Dinosaurs (I try to persuade the GM that even Space Triceratops are herbavores but he's having none of it!).

"yum yum yum yum yum!" "The diet can start tomorrow!"
The Ork boyz charge in and capture / chop up /gloat over the the bodies of the marines meaning a crushing defeat for the forces of humanity!

"one - nil, one - nil, one - nil!"
What a game! It had more twists and turns then most hollywood films!

Was anyone else creeped out by the Mrs Cottontail eyes?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE if this is a taste of games to come I can't wait!

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